My answer to old-age worries


I believe our last stop on this road trip of life should be one that we look forward to reaching. Therefore, I am proposing that we eliminate the old age homes of yesteryear and create a new haven for our future elderly selves: The Total Old Age Dorm: (TOAD) a senior living establishment that thinks it’s a college dorm. What better way to spend our last days than to combine my future older self and all of your future older selves and commune together in a place where we can grow older and have an excellent time while doing so? Naturally, some standards must be put into play before one can guarantee themselves a spot at TOAD. I have seen countless times how quickly one perpetual party pooper can bring everybody down, and as surely as we don’t need that now, we especially don’t have time for it when we are 75+. Who wants to take the chance of spending what might possibly be your last night spoiled by a negative presence? We won’t let that happen to you at TOAD! Each applicant will go through a thorough screening process to make sure they are up to “TOAD snuff”. We will perform a standard criminal record search, but presence of a criminal record does not necessarily mean no. At TOAD we do not judge. Nobody is perfect and we understand this. We will instead find out what type of crime was committed. Non-violent criminal activity that has since ceased and might result in some entertaining tales of intrigue to our residents will most likely be viewed favorably. What we’re looking for is what each boarder can bring to the table to make the next boarder’s life more interesting. We’re all about taking everybody out with a bang.

As long as we’re on the subject. let’s just get straight to it: SEX. It is my heartfelt belief that depression would not run so rampant amidst the elderly if they woke up each morning knowing that there was a chance of getting laid. There must be that chance. Always. That’s what’s gotten me out of bed for the last nearly 40 years of my life, and I don’t anticipate it changing just because I get old. Since many old people are without viable partners at this stage, we’ve got a lot of frustrated campers out there whose options are severely limited. Unnecessary!! At TOAD, variety is the spice of life! There will be plenty of  cohorts to choose from–many within walking distance from one another. Since TOAD boarders will have immediate access to our top-notch medical team, we will eliminate any questions or concerns that may have been precluding anyone from engaging previously and we’ll get them right back into the saddle, so to speak. *lack of sex drive will not necessarily disqualify you as a TOAD resident, but you may need to make up for this in our other areas of testing*

At TOAD, we don’t believe in letting you go soft in any area– bedroom and beyond, due to our use it or lose it philosophy, so there will be frequent trips and activities, as well as educational seminars and speakers from numerous areas of interest. Transportation will be provided at all times for those unable to drive themselves. Those who DO drive themselves will be required to pass a TOAD driving test quarterly. YES, I said quarterly! I realize this seems harsh, but TOAD residents will have a reputation to protect and we’re not going to have a few bad apples spoil it for the rest. Our tester will watch for such issues as resting your head on the wheel or appearing to barely be peering over the dashboard. They will note reaction time, inability to follow the speed limit and forgetfulness regarding use of turn signals, interpretation of road signs, and an inability to gauge where the parking lot ends and buildings begin. They will be prepared to take off points for ridiculous excuses such as, “my foot was too big for the gas pedal” and “that building/tree/car was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Obviously, a driver’s license is one of the hardest things to relinquish and we realize this, but sometimes it’s a necessity. Should that happen, our unlicensed TOAD residents can be comforted by the absence of worry regarding their future transportation. They will also have the support of other TOAD residents who will be in a position to commiserate with and reassure them about this often difficult transition.

So there you have it: just a little taste of my big idea. Unless we die first, we ARE going to get old, so why not give ourselves something to look forward to? It’s important to remember that everybody needs to feel like we have a purpose here right up until the day we die. Otherwise, we experience a death to our Spirit that leaves us barren inside our physical body. Is there anything sadder than witnessing the empty shell of a once vibrant individual? At TOAD everybody’s purpose is clear cut: help build up your fellow man by involving yourself in a community that takes pride in itself and doesn’t try to be what it’s not. We’ll be old. Let’s BE old. But old does not mean dead. Not on my watch.

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