{"id":10632,"date":"2025-03-08T16:11:11","date_gmt":"2025-03-08T21:11:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/laholmberg.com\/?p=10632"},"modified":"2026-04-21T08:07:52","modified_gmt":"2026-04-21T12:07:52","slug":"saying-no-out-of-love-vs-yes-out-of-fear-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/laholmberg.com\/?p=10632","title":{"rendered":"Saying NO out of love vs. YES out of fear"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Many years ago I watched an episode of The Suze Orman Show<\/a>  that I never forgot. It was about women feeling their power. “Are you a powerful woman?” Suze would ask each caller as she took their question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“um, I thought I was.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“um, well, um, I don’t know.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“um, I think so.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To which Suze finally made a caller ask her<\/b><\/i> the same question so that Suze could then answer in a booming voice, “YES I AM!<\/strong>”  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Clearly the answer she wanted<\/em> from her callers but wasn’t getting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suze was openly exasperated when dealing with the wife who was nearing bankruptcy after making the mistake of assuming all of her 2nd husband’s debt by rolling it over to her own lower interest\u00a0credit cards and then unfortunately becoming injured and unable to work at her higher paying job, rendering her incapable of making the payments.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2nd hubby owed more than he had means to pay in alimony and child support and the fact that the wife had assumed his debt as her own made it now impossible for him to work out any kind of different arrangement based on his own<\/strong> income\/debt ratio. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By jumping in the quicksand to save him, she’d now sunk both of them. <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What was frustrating to Suze was that the woman did not see this as an error in judgement because she told Suze that she would do the same thing again because he was her soul mate.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Obviously Suze was being misunderstood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She gave the oxygen mask analogy of needing to put on your own oxygen mask before you attempt to put one on someone else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can’t help anyone else if you’re unable to breathe yourself. You can’t pull someone from quicksand if you jump in the quicksand WITH THEM<\/em> because now YOU are not on solid ground.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have to revisit and remind myself of this often. The codependent inside me may be dormant, but it’s always lying in wait- readying itself for a weak moment in which to spring.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What Suze wanted this woman to realize is that she would have been in a beneficial position to help to her husband if she would have looked at the BIG<\/b> picture before she dove in and “rescued” him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The quote about saying no out of love vs. yes out of fear was for the mother who could not stop supporting her grown children while barely managing to stay afloat financially herself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Was she really doing her children any favors by not allowing them to take responsibility for their own lives? No. Though her intentions were good, she was undermining their growth. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We parents especially struggle with this, which is why it became essential for me while raising my kids to remember the words of Coach Boone (Remember The Titans)<\/a> when my fortitude in letting them fall<\/em> was in danger of failing:  <\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n

“<\/span>You ain’t doin’ these kids a favor by patronizing them. You crippling them; You crippling them for life.”<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

That is what I’ve had to remind myself of continuously <\/b>every time I’m trying to help <\/i>by taking over the wheel of someone else’s life and attempt to “rescue” them. Not that I knew that was what I was doing!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Without intending to, when you do something for someone that they are perfectly capable of and MEANT to be <\/i>doing for themselves, you are sending the message “I don’t believe you are capable.” <\/i><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Obviously, believing so wholeheartedly<\/b> <\/i>in each person’s capacity, that is the last <\/b>thing I’d want to do, so as difficult as it sometimes is, I’ve learned to say no out of love and even distance myself when necessary<\/i><\/b> in order to avoid my tendency to block what may prove to be a pertinent life lesson for the person by assuming a role that is unintentionally undermining their self-actualization. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is this what comes easily or naturally <\/i>to me? Absolutely not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is being a hardass fun when you’d rather appear as the hero? No way!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is keeping distance from someone you’d rather be in contact with heartwrenching? Yep. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I’ve learned that when evolvement and working toward increased empowerment of the collective energy is your goal, you must get comfortable with being uncomfortable and will yourself<\/strong> to take actions that are often difficult and quite possibly, not understood by those around you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And as important and as necessary as you know it all is in getting to where you’re journeying to, that’s the part that sucks.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

As Richard (The Big Chill)<\/a>  so sensibly points out upon pondering the ramifications of adulthood over a late night sandwich:  “the thing is… no one ever said it would be fun. At least… no one ever said it to me.” <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Me neither. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But I know that in the big picture, it’ll prove to be worth all the UN fun parts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Many years ago I watched an episode of The Suze Orman Show  that I never forgot. It was about women feeling their power. “Are you a powerful woman?” Suze would ask each caller as she took their question. “um, I thought I was.” “um, well, um, I don’t know.” “um, I think so.” To which Suze finally […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":111895055,"featured_media":10629,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_coblocks_attr":"","_coblocks_dimensions":"","_coblocks_responsive_height":"","_coblocks_accordion_ie_support":"","advanced_seo_description":"","jetpack_seo_html_title":"","jetpack_seo_noindex":false,"jetpack_seo_schema_type":"","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_wpcom_ai_launchpad_first_post":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[91,84729862,19129],"tags":[12516,1212,107,136672,937697,3785,1417,4909],"class_list":["post-10632","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blogging","category-empowered-voices","category-personal-development","tag-codependency","tag-energy","tag-inspiration","tag-life-coaching","tag-life-strategy","tag-love","tag-money","tag-psychology"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/laholmberg.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/05\/no.png?fit=940%2C788&ssl=1","jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p81q0n-2Lu","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":3719,"url":"https:\/\/laholmberg.com\/?p=3719","url_meta":{"origin":10632,"position":0},"title":"Feeling powerless?","author":"LA Holmberg","date":"","format":false,"excerpt":"\"I lost my power in this world, cuz I did not use it.\" Lindsey Buckingham This is one of my favorite\u00a0Lindsey Buckingham\u00a0lines to ponder because it's mind bogglingly true. 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