“And I know a father
Who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons
For the things he’d done
He came a long way
Just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and headed home again…” Slip Slidin’ Away by Paul Simon

I was 12 years old the year that Paul Simon’s Slip Slidin’ Away was released. I’ve been ruminating on it ever since.

Okay, I exaggerated there but I think about it a lot. I’m not sure Paul Simon or Simon&Garfunkel lyrics exist that I haven’t spent what would probably be considered to be an excessive amount of time pondering. Especially lately.

That’s how I generally do things. To excess.

But let’s circle back…

Unlike the man in the verse above, I’ve not left things unsaid with my children. If anything, I may have said too much.

Because it wasn’t long after welcoming them into the world that I became aware that they possessed a much greater wisdom and depth than my own and would be my biggest teachers.

For an education the depths of which, I had no idea how very much I required.

In fact, if I’d have understood how poorly equipped I actually was (as opposed to what I believed myself to be at that point) regarding my own emotional maturity, they probably wouldn’t be here. And since they are woven through the heart and entire being of me

I’m glad I didn’t know.

I consider their presence in my life to be a gift I never deserved but received anyway, making me treasure them all the more.

I try to stay in remembrance of this fact in regard to extending grace to my own parents. Because while my kids in no way had to endure the same type of upbringing my siblings and I did, there’s no growing in self-awareness without acknowledgement and acceptance of how your own actions have affected others- most notably your kids. And as I look back now and acknowledge the numerous occasions where my emotional immaturity was surely steering the ship, I’m humbled, to say the least, by every area I was lacking in, and beyond grateful that I missed crashing us into shore.

I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And upon that awareness, I’ve worked to know “better”. Acknowledgment that I’m working on it allows me to extend the grace and forgiveness to myself I require to continue the work.

I now KNOW that I don’t know what I don’t know and I move in the knowledge that I don’t truly “know” a damn thing, but in my younger years I was a little cockier. A leftover default survival behavior from childhood that required a you damn well better know something when you need to know it mentality to stay safe.

Not that I knew the “whys” of that behavior then, but let’s circle back…

So I’m grateful that unlike the man in the song, I’ve never held back on words or anything else with my kids. I’ve shared anything they could ever want to know and more and have made it clear that they can do the same with me- I’m a safe space. I’ve actually pretty much always told everybody everything they want to know and more because I’m a let’s lay it all out on the table kind of person.

Until I wasn’t. Or more accurately, until the universe nudged me in the direction to stop talking so much and start listening more to what my inner voice was attempting to tell me.

Because truthfully, I don’t know what “kind of person” I am anymore and could use some guidance. Was I actually what I thought I was or believed I was or did I just become what I needed to be from behaviors I developed as defaults in order to assure my safety when it was necessary but no longer serve me?

Answering these questions required tapping into the guidance from a source greater than myself. You can call this power source whatever you wish, but regardless of what you’re calling it, I’ve found you can hear it much more easily if you stop speaking over it.

I came to realize that I would speak over mine whenever I didn’t like the direction it was nudging me toward. If I couldn’t hear it, I wasn’t expected to actually do it, right?

If the universe was telling this story they may put it this way: there’s been a neon sign flashing at Lisa that says: TAKE TIME AND SPACE, LISA

I’d been being instructed for longer than I cared to admit to take time and space regarding various areas of life where growth had become stagnant, in part due to my reluctance to adhere to the guidance I was being given.

Because it meant separating from people I love.

Not everybody, of course, but a couple of relationships where I was shown that the dynamic was significant as far as soul growth for all individuals involved- both within and surrounding these relationships as well.

Is this starting to get too woo for some of you yet? That’s actually why often there are no words that can actually satisfy our need for a substantial “explanation” for the whys. But no worries about the woo, friend. I promise you’ll only take away what you- as an individual- are meant to from all of this.

One of the biggest leaps of faith I’ve ever taken in my life was the moment I finally did what the universe told me to do.

I created the space and now I’m allowing the time.

I’ve made that sound much easier than it actually is. There is a level of discomfort involved that is so very profound that it often feels like a physical ache- the desire I have to just show up on their doorstep or write a letter and launch into my usual explanations ofwhatactuallyisgoingonandwhyandreassuranceprobablymostlytomyselfactuallythatwe’llbeokayandyouaregreatandthisisaboutloveandsoulandgrowthandnotwhatyoumaythinkandi’msorrybutIcan’tbesorrybecausethisisaboutlovewithoutfearandallowingyoutocometoyourownconclusionsinyourownmannerratherthanmyrelentlesspursuitofitforyouandtoactuallybackthefuckawaybecauseit’sforagreatergoodthatwemostlikelycan’tfullyunderstandbuthavebeenledtotrustjustthesame.

That’s scrambled because that’s how it sounds in my mind when I hear it. 😊 You won’t feel led to make sense of it unless you’re meant to.

So to me, this may be why even though the dad came a long way to explain all of his reasons to his son, sometimes there are too many and yet not sufficient words to emphasize the whole of what is truly going on within your heart when your actions or behavior may have resulted in being a complete mindfuck to another person.

And as you grow, you also begin to question how much the explanation was actually for yourself and your own needs and comfort, rather than the other person’s.

And decide to shut up.

So you bid them goodbye and carry them in your heart as you go about each day, trusting that the energy of love will eventually communicate to them everything that you’ve been led not to attempt using your words, lest it keep them from a message they were intended to discover on their own.

God only knows, God makes his plan
The information’s unavailable to the mortal man
We work our jobs, collect our pay
Believe we’re gliding down the highway
When in fact we’re slip sliding away

Slip sliding away, slip sliding away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you’re slip sliding away

-Paul Simon