The first time I heard ‘Counting Stars‘, written by One Republic guitarist Ryan Tedder, I heard the lyric:

EVERYTHING THAT KILLS ME, MAKES ME FEEL ALIVE

and I felt validated.

While all art is subject to individual interpretation, in my mind this song translated an understanding of my love/hate relationship with my oft rampant wild side and I was grateful to have it spun into song form.

It’s my belief that if you’ve got something going on it can generally be assumed that others have it going on as well. However, they may feel less able to express it, so if you have been gifted with any manner of expression that may resonate with and aid others on their journey and you’re open to conveying snapshots of your inner workings to others, you should consider doing so.

It’s been my experience that it’s actually not even a matter of choice so much as being called to it and if you’re called to it and don’t do it, there’s a level of unrest that goes on within until you step up and speak up. Which doesn’t mean you will never be told to shut up, because most likely you will. Perhaps I should also insert here that if you’ve been called, it will be essential to develop a tough outer skin.

I’ve always felt that the upside of my awareness that there are areas in which I present as a bit fucked up is that I have a greater understanding and compassion, as well as appreciation and admiration for the idiosyncrasies of others.

I’ve come to realize in my travels that finding common ground with another is high on my priorities list- a desire that’s inherent, rather than something I chose. It’s one of the many things in my human-being life here that I refer to as “bigger than me”.

But let’s circle back, Lisa… 😁

If you’ve never found yourself in the midst of a situation where you’ve done or over-done something to the point of recklessness, exhibiting the type of bad judgment that may have outwardly indicated a complete disregard for the reverence of your life (and possibly those lives unfortunate enough to be entangled in yours in these less than stellar moments) you may not understand this post.

There was a time I would have thought that put you at an intellectual advantage to myself- your ability to NOT become carried away behaving like there’s no tomorrow and if there is I can’t “feel” it so I believe I don’t give a flying fuck in the way I often was.

But I no longer align with such limiting beliefs.

It doesn’t serve any of us to think that one life experience should be compared to another or assessed in terms of good or bad, better or worse, or who got the “shorter end of the stick” in this lifetime, for the simple reasoning that I’m of the opinion that we experience what we are individually meant to for reasons we may not be privy to at the time, but will serve some higher purpose later on.

I believe we actually chose these experiences ahead of time, but that may seem too woo woo for some to consider at this point, so let’s just stay on topic… 

That includes our brain’s manner of processing and behaviors that may reasonably be attributed to it.

This is not to imply that we should ever shirk responsibility in being accountable for any transgressions our behaviors may cause.

Indeed, we need to face each issue head-on, own up to every humiliating aspect with NO rationalizations, (oh how difficult that one once was for me. We’re talking eyes-watering-deep-breaths-to-keep-my-mouth-shut difficult) take care of any damages left in our wake to the best of our abilities, learn from the experience, and move forward.

There’s no profit in beating up on ourselves for past mistakes only to proceed in continuing them out of the self-defeating belief that we’re lesser than, rather than acquiring the awareness that we’re merely different than and thus may require deeper investigation into what drives us to do things that a more advanced level of our being may be dead set against doing but we do anyway.

If you are a person who feels the most alive when you’re doing things that excite you in the moment yet have the potential to kill you, or at the very least, humiliate you later, I. GET. YOU. I’m that person too.

But I learned continue learning why that’s just one of my “defaults”. And how to override it.

And you can too.

Before you get scared and stop reading this out of a fear that I’m going to suggest you give anything up- relax and stay put. The “you could give it up if you just had enough willpower” fallacy is especially pointless to people with our particular brand of thought processing.

Obviously, I have learned this the hard way. So no, I’m not asking you to give anything up.

Nothing.

You’re the only one who could ever make that decision for yourself anyway, so it’d be a waste of my time. Go ahead and breathe again. This is not about willpower and self-control.

It’s about science.

Through her brain imaging studies and research, psychiatrist and current director at The National Institute on Drug Abuse, Nora Volkow, is aiming to change the way the world looks at drug addiction. This insight into the brain can benefit all of us, and especially those of us who suffer from ANY type of addictive or comfort-seeking, intensity-hungering behavior.

• Eating that 3rd sandwich when you know you’re not hungry
• buying more clothes you don’t need or may not even wear 
• spending money you don’t have at the local casino 
• risking personal harm or humiliation with thrill-seeking bouts of poor judgment- (my personal row to hoe)

For those interested in Volkow’s research, read this snippet from Wikipedia: (if not, skip to next paragraph)

 “Volkow has shown that abnormalities in the prefrontal cortex of addicts create a feeling of need or craving that addicts know is irrational but find it difficult to prevent. Prefrontal abnormalities also make it difficult to override compulsions to take drugs by exercising cognitive control. The main areas affected are the orbitofrontal cortex, which maintains attention to goals, and the anterior cingulate cortex, that mediates the capacity to monitor and select action plans. Both areas receive stimulation from dopamine centers lower in the brain. A steady influx of dopamine makes it difficult for addicts to shift their attention away from the goal of attaining drugs. It also fastens their attention to the motivational value of drugs, even though these drugs have long stopped providing pleasure. It is now understood that dopamine activation does not signal pleasure. Rather, it signals the importance or relevance of sought-after goals. Volkow’s work suggests that addicts have difficulty turning their attention and actions away from the goal of acquiring and consuming drugs. They are caught, she states, in a vicious circle of physical brain changes and the psychological consequences of those changes, leading to further changes.”

I’m very interested in our brains, the effects of dopamine, and how we may utilize research to help us answer our “whys” in order to better serve our journey.

But what does any of this have to do with “everything that kills me, makes me feel alive” and you personally?

Possibly nothing. Possibly everything.

As with all things, it will be decipherable only by yourself and only when you’re seeking answers to questions that you may not yet be ready to ask yourself.

But the point is, if there is an area you’re challenged in, there is most likely an underlying reason why you do what you do and it is not because you are “lazy or stupid or weak-willed or dirty or ignorant or disgusting” or any other of the many negative adjectives we label ourselves as when we have difficulty discontinuing behaviors that threaten our well-being on any level.

I believe that if we can search for the reason behind the why, we can find the answer as to how, and that is where we start.

Note that I said start. There will continue to be more.

Understanding the why won’t cause you to have a revelation that will result in an instantaneous change within that’ll “cure” you and that’s it, you’re done. We don’t need a cure because there’s actually nothing wrong with us and also

say it with me here: we’re never done.

Which is actually a positive thing but it often won’t “feel” like it.

If you are being led from within to seek answers about yourself, even if it’s just the teeniest-tiniest of whispers that you’re not even sure you’re hearing correctly, you have begun the journey of self-knowing, leading you to additional and continual knowing.

This evolvement of self is a process that you must commit to being an active participant in, because it can’t occur without shedding some necessary blood (acknowledgement of behaviors and actions that don’t serve you),sweat (research and development of self through soul workouts and all forms of continued education) and tears (sitting beside, rather than running from your fears and pain).

Take it from a person who remembers the anguish of experiencing those first inklings of delayed, deep seated understanding as to the actual why she’d found intensity and intoxication (then later- shame, always shame) in acts of drunken body-part flashing among friends, upon the realization that the being drunk part had much less to do with it than she’d previously thought.

The pain you feel when first confronting your reality and what you most likely have deemed erroneously as your darker truths, is a rawness that may feel like your flesh is being stripped from your bones.

The feeling of becoming exposed.

As if a curtain formerly covering your vulnerability has now been ripped away, leaving you alone in a vast openness, searching for something else to hide behind.

But this time you don’t.

You sit with the rawness while it heals.

Leaving you with a thicker skin. Thick enough to help you face the next realization- knowing that when the time comes for it, you WILL.

Because you CAN. And you ALWAYS COULD. You just didn’t know it yet.

But you will. When you’re meant to.

Author’s note: This is a rewritten post utilizing content from a previous post I wrote several years back. It was laid on my heart to tweak and repost as a reminder that no step on this journey has been wasted and an invitation to note and appreciate hard won growth.♥