“I had to fall to learn to walk again
I had to crawl to learn that I could stand
They told me don’t look down, don’t be the victim
Don’t you run away
I had to fall to learn to walk again
Learn to walk again…” Bad Wolves- Learn to Walk Again)

Though I’ll venture a guess that nobody likes being knocked on their ass through illness, injury, or other unspecified sidelining, it’s my belief that the universe will do just that when it’s having difficulty getting through to us in one area or another.

That’s my chosen interpretation in regard to being knocked on my ass. You may choose to interpret a universal ass kicking differently and you would not be wrong. *I’m repeating this again because I for one, frequently need the reminder: there is no “wrong” when it comes to your personal observations and interpretations- they’re YOUR OWN and do not require the understanding or agreement of others to confirm their validity. I require much emphasis of this in my day-to-day because due in large part to my upbringing this is an area requiring unlearning a magnitude of beliefs I’d been conditioned by in order to learn the truths that empower the evolvement of self-awareness.

Am I sonuvabitching my parents at this time? No. Because:

1. I’ve evolved to the level of understanding required to recognize and acknowledge them FIRST as human beings incapable of perfection –as we human beings all are– and their role as my parents second, recognizing that though they loved my siblings and I fully, they weren’t equipped at that time in their lives with the level of consciousness required to grasp how their actions and behaviors attributed to conditioning, trauma, and pain from their own upbringing, were often a negative influence on our developing psyches.
2. a fixed mindset of the following:

Blessed are the SOBs in our lives when we reframe them as SACs (Spiritual Agents of Change).

-LA Holmberg

Have I sonuva bitched, distanced myself from, and taken necessary space from them for periods of time in the past? Absofuckinglutely. I’m human (or so I’ve been told 😉 ) and it’s been my experience that rarely do we instantaneously get to levels of consciousness that more efficiently serve us just because we may WANT TO. We require healing to get ‘there’- a process aided by a willingness to let go of the human lens that assigns “logical” time frames. (Logical to who and why is that so?) Healing soul muscle is akin to building soul muscle in that there is no once and done, only the continuous stress, effort, and rest that bring about growth, each of which happens in its OWN organically driven time.

*I’m being advised to circle back to the main point at this time, an effort I’m frequently challenged by but stick a pin there for future posts sharing guidance regarding a workout I’ve termed The Acknowledgement&Acceptance Without Judgement&Resentment Workout which allowed me the fortitude to shift out of the SOB-ing lens and into the SAC perspective. Learning how to A&A w/o J&R will enhance your soul stamina to levels you can’t fathom beforehand, but it requires some serious soul diving, emotional lifting, and mental flexibility. Luckily we’re designed for challenge- our very being withers without it.*

2024 has, up to this point, essentially been a universal benching for me. On 12-26-23 I got sick with the multifaceted flu that’s gripped our area and I’ve spent the last 3 weeks recovering from one facet of it or another. After the first week there were periods when I’d convince myself that I was up to snuff enough to resume my normal routine, both in my workouts and my daily duties, only to find myself back out of commission the next day. In those moments fever, vertigo, and nausea ensured my inability to be productive or to read and write- both of which are the heart of me. They’re my passion and what I “do”. When the universe wants my full attention it takes away my ability to do so, dumping me empty handed into the vast wilds of my ordinarily OPEN-24/7-flashing lights-constant thoughts streaming- mind.

And I fall.

Into the abyss of the unknown territory of I can’t do what I usually do and will I be able to again?

Which used to scare me. Actually, panic is still my knee-jerk response- regarding both the illness and the recovery. There’s never a time that my head’s hung over the toilet bowl that I don’t wonder,

“Is this it? Can my heart take it or is it about to give out?”

“I don’t want to die with my head in the toilet- that would be so awful for everybody.” And I already look like shit from being sick. How will they make me look decent for the viewing? Oh wait, what am I thinking? I plan on being cremated. And even if I wasn’t, I’d already decided there would be no viewing. And no funeral home anyway. A memorial at a much later date so people can laugh about me rather than cry. And have drinks and coffee. And some lovely pastries. I love pastries. That’s right, that’s what I’d decided on.”

At which point I’m feeling peaceful that there’s a plan in place, realize I’m done puking and have lived through it once again, and gratefully make my way back to my side of the bed, or at least as far as the floor outside the bathroom, as happened one night, where I laid until I was able to gather the strength to crawl over to my side of the bed, having been motivated by the fear that hubby (also battling flu) may get up and trip over me in the dark, risking injury to both of us in addition to illness, which was too high a bar for me to reconcile from this disadvantaged state.

But circling back… though panic is my knee-jerk when “falling”, I don’t stay there.

Once out of panic-mode I feel solid gratitude for the gift in being sidelined.

And gratitude brings me clarity.

As Bad Wolves reminds us, we fall to learn to walk again. We crawl to learn that we can stand.

Each time we’re sidelined from doing what we usually do our hand is forced in seeing that which we may be missing due to being locked into a way of doing/being that’s preventing us from seeing beyond our

• actions
• thinking
• routines
• attitude
• habits
• fill in your own blank ___________________

and we’re given a chance to see things with fresh perspective.

It’s a gift.

Contrary to what some believe as we start each new year, I don’t think it’s necessary to become a “new you”. As I told you before, you’re a snowball. Wherever the “new you” goes, the old you goes with, gaining momentum and magnitude as it rolls along in the “snow” that is life.

And that’s a great thing!

The old you has been there every time you’ve fallen and serves as a reminder that you fall so that you fully understand you are able to get back up.

EVERY TIME.

Understanding that there is no weakness in crawling, regardless of the reasons that may necessitate it, as crawling is merely a stepping stone toward that moment we are strong enough to walk again.

If you’ve fallen, fear not.

If you’re crawling, say thank you and keep going until you’ve crawled to the position you’ve garnered the strength to now stand in.

You’ll get there.

I believe the universe is our guide in the evolution of self intended to bring us inner peace and appreciation for ourselves and those around us. Rather than aiming to create a new you or me, it opts for consistent revitalization of the you and me already in existence by offering us perpetual fresh lenses through which to view our journey.

Lenses we obtain every time we’re sidelined from our everyday life.

If we choose to accept them.